Jesus, Mary and Joseph, Kathleen! What a effin' weekend!!! (Yes I used 3 exclamation points, and yes I'm a top. Get over it.) I don't know what happened! I have post-traumatic slut syndrome. I've washed myself with bleach twice on the sterilize cycle and then threw myself in the bay and I still feel dirty. Anyslutty, enough about me let's go:
[Flashback sponsored by Stoli with limited commercial interruptions]It all started as Dan and I were driving to Fire Island Thursday evening. I was bitching and moaning how unapologetically
boring everybody in the house has been this year. The guests have consistently trounced the home team in the Hot Slut category week after week. The only thing fucked in our house so far has been the oven door. I loudly wished that finally THIS weekend someone would remember they have a dick and step up their game. Well gurls... I think Endora was sitting up there on Cloud 9 and heard me and cast some sort of evil dirty whore spell on the house this weekend. (It was either that or Willma having evening cocktails on the roof in a red wig again. One never can tell.)
Anytranny, let's get right into this fuckfest I ain't got time for foreplay today.
HOT SLUT OF THE WEEK:
EVERYONE!
You want to know who hooked up with who? EVERYONE FUCKED EVERYONE. Then they switched and sexy timed again. It was sex in the bedrooms, sex in the showers, sex on the couches, sex on the roof, sex on the board walks, sex on the dick dock, sex in front of Sip Twirl, handjobs on the beach and probably a couple other places I didn't hear about.
AND IT'S ABOUT FUCKING TIME YOU WHORES! After weeks upon weeks of dry sheets and weekend stories that would instantly cure the worst insomnia the flood gates finally opened and the lube and vodka poured forth into a Saturday night dirty vortex of sweaty July man-sin. I'd like to say that in the flood we built and ark and there was pairing two-by-two however it was more like threes and fours and ain't no ark in sight. The only way you could end up in a one-on-one was to lock yourself in a room and ignore the 4 or 5 break-in attempts. Please note the crowbar marks on the bayside bedrooms doors (not joking).
So I can hear you now "BITCH! GET TO IT. WHA' HA HAPPENED?" Well I'll tell you: Take 6 gallon jugs of Svedka, 5 bottles of flavored vodka, 3 gallons of rum, 3 bottles of sparkling wine and two bottles of red wine. Then add a generous squirt of Swiss Navy Silicone lube, a handful of pills and shake well. Viola - RAGING SHAMELESS SLUTS.
Friday night started off as they usual do. The gurls rolled in, vodka was had. Adam missed the train AGAIN so got the ferry dock on her own:
Later Friday evening Felipe (a.k.a FiFi) bought over a gaggle of questionable straight boys over. Why? I don't know. I was a bit confused when they said they were there to visit and not to deliver groceries. One of them later proved his utter heterosexuality by making out with a black guy at Sip N Hurl. Oops.
Anydarky, the straight boys rapidly lost their luster and Adam and I ninja'ed out to the Cherry Grove Daniel Nardicio underwear party. I wish I could tell you what transpired there but we vowed never to speak of it again. Needless to say a bear costume and a go-go boy were involved. Damn! I spoke of it.
Back at the house the gay and "straight" boys headed out for the evening. Jason "dumbass" MacDonald got into a bitch-slap fight with Fire Island Pines Blvd and lost. How? Well you know when you're walking down Shady and you have to turn at the end of the boadwalk to go towards town? Well genius here was more into researching music in his iPhone then making a right turn and gayly forwarded straight off the boardwalk and into crutches and an air-cast. Gravity 1 - Jason MacDonald - Zero.
The remaining walking housemates Dan and Lady Byrd hit the bustling Pines underwear party and rubbed coochies with the Pines boys. There was some making out in the restrooms and little blowjob out front. Everything a $10 cover should get you.. know what I mean? Mmm hmm.
Friday night ended with Adam and I returning to a sleeping house. I re-entered my room to find the roomie and a naked South American boy in bed. Disappointingly the new bottle of Swiss Navy Silicone lube remained unopened on the dresser. What the dick?!? Umm.. gurls. Lemme axe you a qwestion. When you have a naked South American boy in your bed - what do you do? - FUCK 'EM. FUCK 'EM A LOT! Then take a short nap and fuck 'em again! South Americans were made to be fucked. It's why God created South America for Christ's sake! It's pretty much God's version of the Flesh Light. Oh well.. you can lead a whore to water, but you can't make em fuck in it.
Saturday mornings hangover woke up early and the set up the 1st annual Dan Singer 25th birthday party began. The Fire Island on-call doctor made a house call to check on Jason's foot. I walked in as Jason was reciting a list of medications. I wasn't sure if he was telling the doctors the pills he had taken in the last 24 hours or was reciting Michael Jackson's toxicology report. Sh'mon! I'm bad! You know it!
That afternoon the party had a great turn out. Grilling, cocktails and a jell-o shot cake were enjoyed. Various countries, sexual orientations and genders were represented. Dykes, Germans and straight boys. Oh my. The afternoon meandered by and the party wrapped and everyone looked towards tea. Low Tea and then Saturday Middle Tea. Drinks and then more drinks then back to house for dinner and more drinks. Saturday post-dinner the gurls found themselves in a V-hole (vodka hole) and lazied around the house ENDLESSLY. Now gurls, why the dick would you want to hang around the house on a hot Saturday night on Fire Island in July is beyond me. This dick does not suck itself and sitting around the house with you whores is fun 'til run out of mixers. What's a gurl to do?
PEACE OUT! Once again Shawn and Adam quit that bitch and hit Sip N Twirl. A hot July storm blew in and rain began to fall. The boys we left at the house decided to wait it out there. Whereas Adam and I myself decided to drink it out at the bar. Stoli after stoli the drunking had begun. After hitting the dancefloor Adam mugged a midget who briefly struggled to get away before deciding it was either submit or death. After man-handling and dancing to a Lady Gaga track the cougar finally released it's prey and returned to the hunt for bigger game. A few more ice cold Stolis in between while the hot July thunderstorm raged outside.
Now ladies... somewhere around this point the flood waters that have been building up for weeks began to run over the banks. The raging thunderstorm outsides pressed the limits of the levees that have been holding back the house sexy-times until now. Finally the remaining 283 boys, and guests, and other various birthday party attendees braved the storm and made it to the bar. Gays spilled onto the dancefloor and reunited in rainbow hugs and sparkly kisses.
Now I'm not quite sure who flipped the switch BUT quicker than you can say "Stick it in!" - IT - WAS - ON! Dancing, drinking, grabbing, groping, propositioning, threesome, foursome, switching, rinse with Stoli and repeat. Deals were stuck, arrangements made, grab your trick(s) and run out the door and back to the house.
Well gurls.. what happens on the boardwalk doesn't always stay on the boardwalk. Switches were made. People traded up or traded down. Blowjobs were given, asses were grabbed and sweet nothings were whispered into peoples ears: "I really just need to get fucked tonight!"
6 minutes later it was back to the 283 Brothel where room jumping and shower scenes ran rampant. (Well shower scenes were rampant for about 8 minutes until the hot water ran out.) Upstairs, downstairs, on the stairs. The only one to go home disappointed was Zac who risked getting raped in the Meat Rack on his way back to his house in Cherry Grove. Zac figured it was better to risk being raped in the Meat Rack then to go back to the house and ensure it. Better luck next time Zac! We missed you.
Housemates and guest filled every nook of the house. One house guest decided his ass was the Harry Potter sorting hat while another housemate ran around rubbing her Mexican cho-cha on anything that couldn't get away fast enough. The last houseguest crawled into bed with Jason MacDonald and attempted to go for the CrippleFucker award but found out Jason was already sleeping with Prince Valium. Better luck next time!
Now after reviewing the evening we attempted to pick a
Hot Slut of Week but realized we were picking from from top 10 draft picks of the NFL of sluts. Literally the top competitors in the 2009 hooker Olympics. Picking one based on floor routine, swimsuit or talent competition was just too difficult and so everyone end up with a
pearl necklace gold metal!
Anywhoreswithnomroals...
The housemates awoke Sunday morning to a shaking house. Not an earthquake but a two- and sometimes threesome was still raging on the upstairs couch. As the housemates staggered up for coffee the 2/3some showed no signs of stopping and Power Bottom Brunch was born. The sex raged for another hour or two taking short breaks before starting up again. Coffee was had on the lanai to sounds of chirping birds drifting gentle in the breezy and "FUCK ME!" drifting not so gently through the windows.
It was one of those mornings where you couldn't look at your housemate in the eye for a good thirty minutes. The couch sex scene finally wrapped up and the utter devastation of house became aparent. Parties, storms and orgies. Haz-Mat was called in, condoms were shovelled into the trash cans, sin was wiped away and 6 cans of trash and recycling was hauled out.
As quickly as the storm blew in, blew everyone, and blew out the Jewish mother brigade took it's place. Dan Singer's Mom followed by Adam Becker's Mom. Bagel were enjoyed, beach time then tea with Dan Singer's mom who instantly fit right it. She staggered down the boardwalk drinking straight Vanilla vodka and made 27 new Facebook friends at low tea. Back to house for a amazing dinner then out to Sunday Broadway musical night at the Blue Whale. Momma Singer partied and sang showtunes til
1:30am until finally hauled out by her gay son. Staggering back home down the boardwalk singing Judy Garland and exclaiming "I'm pleasantly tipsy". Ahhh... Just one of the gurls!
Without further adeu:
Top 10 of the week:1.) "I don't like bossy deaf bottoms."
2.) "I'm COMPLELY naked right now!" "And?"
3.) You look FABULOUS... [aside] She's getting fat.
4.) I'm out of fuck.
5.) "I don't like negativitiy." "WHAT? You feed on negativity, cigarettes and vodka!"
6.) "I'm so tired." "Want some Tequila?"
7.) "Do you watch American Idol?" "No, I'm a top."
8.) "12 feet.. 12 feet.. No WHAMMIES"
9.) The spirit is willing but the flesh is flaccid.
10.) "Dan, You know what I like even more than wine or champagne for breakfast?" [shaking bottle of vodka]
Til next time Hos!
XO
Shawn
Our last weekend began with Shawn, Dan S., Adam and I arriving Thursday night. Since it poured most of the day Friday- and it was a work day for two of us- we stayed in for most of the day but went to High Tea (which was merged with Low Tea because of the weather). Adam, Shawn and I had the first weekend together in May, so we're used to the rain. It was my first weekend with Dan S., and I learned what a
terrific cook he is! We had mussels and sweet potato fries or lunch- thanks Dan!
all lifeguards at Robert Moses beach (except for Mark on the right). The three to the left are straight and were just visiting The Grove for the weekend for Miss Fire Island. I was just hanging out by myself enjoying a cigar and Robert Mondavi sauvignon blanc at Jumpin' Jacks, ran into Mark who I know from town (who gave me a history lesson on The Grove and The Pines), and we got talking to them. Can you believe these dudes went to the underwear party on Friday night! [And they had a blast they said!] I Love Fire Island!
